FINAL CHAPTER

Ben took my hand in both of his as he said,"When your father admits he has no power over alcohol, he can be helped. Until that happens, you will have a very difficult time ahead. You may have to watch him destroy himself."

I had to give Ben credit. He was right. In a few weeks, most likely before, Dad was drinking again. Now, oddly it seemed he could no longer hold his liquor. My sweet gentle dad had become an obnoxious drunk. His speech became vulgar and crude. His gentle nature took a cruel turn. I no longer even liked this man when he drank. I felt so sorry for my step mom who couldn't leave like I could at the end of the day. She joined Al-Anon to help cope. The spouse of an addict needs all the love they can get. It is an almost impossible life.

Ben and Al Anon both suggested that we not enable him by accepting his behavior. We should set boundaries and stick to them. As I was living in a different town at the time, I told Dad I did not want to be around him when he drank and would leave if he started. My visits became shorter and fewer. My heart was breaking.

Dad was having a terrible time and it wasn't until he drove his car into a canal that he finally realized he needed help. That was the magic bullet. He was a man proud of his intellect but finally realized, he was no match. While he had already done several brief, unsuccessful, "dry outs" in various hospitals when he would get sick, but it wasn't until he committed to a 6 week stay in a 12 step hospital did he reach sobriety. Finally we got the sweet, kind man back.

My own abstinence was also taking a toll on my life. I quit drinking with no apparent difficulty. All I had to do was never take the first drink for once I started, I would not quit till I was unconscious. Fortunately at that time I had no "need" to drink, just the inability to stop. How far I was from the "need" stage, I will never know.

Ben had warned me and I felt it full force about feeling your personality comes out of the bottle. My confidence levels dropped out of sight. and I became quiet and withdrawn. I felt that my personality truly was in a liquid form. With out it, I was a dud conversationalist and an uncomfortable dancer. No longer Party Patti.

Now as a sober person, I did not enjoy being around drinkers. Not only for my new found shyness, but for the fact that I didn't like people very much when they were intoxicated. I had quit smoking the year before and was getting the reputation of being a royal pain-in-the-butt- prude with my abstinence.

Dates without drinks were stilted at best. I was not having much fun any more. Now, guys needed to be non drinkers as well as non smokers. The field was really getting narrow. I still went to parties but I found I was leaving earlier and earlier before things got really going. I missed my fun times a lot.

While I never attended meetings, I did lean on Ben quite a bit and he let me, thank God. I made him my personal chapter. One thing I learned was that nothing is too hard to bear if we know we are not alone. I was comfortable around Ben. He gave my feet a place to rest as I tread water.

Eventually, I did what most addicts do. I listened to my friends and tested myself.
"You are not an alcoholic." they would say. "You never drank alone did you?" they would ask. "You never missed a days work." they would argue. "You just sometimes got really drunk." they reasoned. I started buying the logic for I really missed having fun in my life. I missed my friends.

I had agreed to meet several friends to watch a special movie on TV. This would be a test in a controlled, easy environment. I picked up a few 6 packs of beer ( my casual beverage of choice) and opened my first one in 5 months. It was cold , delicious and went down quickly. As I drove, I opened another one and it went down just as quickly. The slight buzz warmed me. I felt my old personality coming back so I started a third. My friends were thrilled to see the drink in my hand when I arrived, for it meant I was one of them again. A few actually cheered.

I continued to inhale my drinks that evening and soon my memory was gone but I was still functioning (or so I was told). I was up right and conscious but no longer aware of anything. I don't recall any of the movie. Another black out. When I came to on their couch the next day, four words were burned in my mind."I am an alcoholic."

After the hang over cleared, I repeated those words to Ben. I realized I had to make some changes. I could not control alcohol. I was aware that I would most likely have to give up my friends even though some of us went back 15 years.

"How well do you like them when you are sober and they are not?"Ben asked.

"Not much." I had to admit.

Not long after that, I was offered a transfer to an office in another city about 100 miles away. I took it knowing I knew no one in that new town. It would give me a fresh start but wasn't so far away that I couldn't still see my family.

Dad and I both started drawing only sober breaths. It was nice not having large portions of my life a huge blank. Suddenly there were 16 hours in a day that I was totally aware of that weren't accompanied by a splitting headache or sick stomach. Life was good and my non liquid personality found its way to the top once more.

Dad had always told me that he would never drink again unless he found out he was terminal. Many years later when we were visiting, Dad told me had been having back pain. The doctor said he had prostate problems. Then he said in an off hand manner that the doctor had said it was all right for him to take a sip of beer every now and then to help with the pain. He held my eyes with his as he said it.

Dread shook my soul. Though he never told any one else the seriousness of his diagnosis, he was telling me in his own way that he knew he was dying. It was cancer and it took him in a matter of months.

His genes may have given me a tendency for addiction. His strength was in those same genes and they gave me what it took to become free. That was 35 sober years ago.

That was the best gift ever that a father could give. Thanks Dad. I miss you so.