SOMETIMES IT'S HARD TO LOVE

Feel free to laugh at me, I am.

Minnie has suddenly gone from a sweet loving, affectionate cat to an animal that I will pluck off my lap and put gently to the floor with a desperate, "please go away". No, I can't be mean to her though I guess my constant rejection is in effect mean, but I can't help it. My primal instinct is to throw her through the door without opening it first.

You see, she has suddenly developed the most outrageous case of gas I have ever been around. Now I am not talking an occasional little poot every now and then. I am talking weapon of mass destruction. They are silent and lethal. She is big time aiding global warming with her methane gas donations.

She looks innocent here doesn't she. Well if I were better with the computer, there would be a giant toxic blue cloud erupting from her ass. I am not exaggerating, it makes one's eyes water. The worst of her offensive behavior occurred last week when the pollen count was super high and though I don't have severe allergies, it is more comfortable sneeze-wise if I keep the windows closed when pollen is high. Conundrum.

My house is very small, air tight and fills up with her noxious gas very quickly. I am trapped with this de-clawed house cat that cannot go out doors. Swear to God, it got so bad, it actually set off my carbon monoxide detector. The mechanical voice screamed "Warning Carbon Monoxide", accompanied with shrill blasts.

I thought that couldn't be possible but when I got my computer back and checked with Wikipedia, methane is an asphyxiant and may displace oxygen in an enclosed place. Yikes, my cat was displacing my oxygen. So open went the windows and out came the Benadryl. Guess it is better to have your eyes water from pollen than methane gas.

Of course, I immediately rushed her to the veterinarian for a check up. It smelled like something crawled up her and died. She had no parasites , anals are good and no blockages. He pronounced her healthy but most likely needing a change in food.

I had recently changed her regular dry food as her particular formula was no longer carried by the store. I had replaced it with the same brand but a slightly different formula. Anymore there are so many formulas that you can almost get a food dependant on your cat's color.

Minnie had come from a sad place when I found her or rather, she found me. She had been so emaciated that I could only feed her a tablespoon of food each hour so that she could hold her food down. So she has a delicate digestive system. Obviously.

So far with some really expensive grub, she is at least livable with and she hasn't set off the alarm recently. She now only has occasional poots that waft around me but do not fill the house. It does seem there is a direct correlation between her episodes of gas and desire for affection.

Out of kindness, I am refusing all visitors for the time being. However, where are those annoying door to door salesmen, politicians, or religious recruiters when you need one? It would be such fun to lure one in to my gas chamber just to watch their reaction. Would they be polite? Would they still go for the sales pitch? Pretty sure even a burglar would leave empty handed right now.

I am hopeful in time I can get her back to her sweet smelling self. If not, perhaps I can find some nice person with really bad sinuses who would love an adorable cat. That would be an odd classified ad to phrase however. "Wanted, home for a lovely spayed, de-clawed house cat. New owner must be mouth breather with no sense of smell."

If none of the above work, I am stuck with her. I made the commitment. Are nail implants possible? I just hope this smell doesn't cling to my clothes like cigarette smoke. Guess I will know if I start clearing the aisles at Walmart.

Wish me luck.