CHEWING, SPITTING AND CROTCH GRABBING

I love baseball. Since Arkansas has no professional sports teams, I am hanging on to my Marlins and the Dolphins from Florida for dear life. I do love the Dolphins football team but only get to see about one game a year. However my love for the Marlins entices me to dig deep into my pocketbook. I will pay to see them by buying the sport program from Direct TV. It beats the summer rerun doldrums.

Now that I have said how much I love baseball, let me tell you what annoys the poop out of me. Grabbing, spitting, chewing, and horribly messy dugouts. OK you guys out there that played sports, I understand that “cup” you wear is to protect those parts deemed most valuable and is necessary. I really do understand and totally approve.

What I don't understand is that football players also wear them. They run, they jump, they wrestle and they fall. You just don't see them with the crotch fascination and attention that a lot of the baseball players display. How come?

It is just understood that when a player grabs his crotch, he will spit. It is reflexive. Really makes you think twice about wanting one for a boyfriend or husband. Makes you wonder if they continue these "habits" in street clothes? While not all players are this obsessive, let me describe an actual at bat of one of the worst offenders in the game.

As he prepares to bat, this batter first grabs the crotch of his uniform with his right hand and pulls it up as far as it will go. He then digs in the batter's box with his feet, grabs his crotch again, swings bat around, spits, adjusts batting gloves, and grabs his crotch one more time for good luck and with a quick spit, he swings at the ball----strike one. Then we start the process all over again. A long at bat can last 8 or 9 pitches. That is a lot of grabbing and spitting.

Then if he hits the ball and gets to a base, the crotch gets another visit and rearrangement. Some players thankfully just give a quick tweak for adjustment while others make it a project. I do appreciate the tweakers. Perhaps it is just a simple matter that the cup needs to be redesigned. Do hope someone comes up with that soon. That would be a great project for someone who is looking for work.

Spitting is another thing. Chewing tobacco demands the spit. Those who don't chew also spit, it just isn't as dramatic or as often. There are good spitters and crummy spitters. Most are able to project the spit clear of their bodies, some just can't seem to make it past the uniform or sometimes the chin. You don't want to know about those with facial hair.

Who ever does the laundry for the professional teams must not have a gag reflex. Fortunately a good head first slide into a base covers up most of the errant spits with good clean dirt.

Once even the TV announcers got grossed out. One of the best players in baseball, Hanley Ramirez, produced the nastiest thing I have ever seen. Ball players are notoriously superstitious. If they are doing something and are hitting well, they will continue.

If Hanley hits well when he is chewing tobacco, he will always play with a cheek full of tobacco till the streak stops. He had a gross habit of rolling his wad of tobacco out of his cheek pouch and holding it in his front teeth to air out while adjusting his crotch. The result was a brown turdy looking thing protruding through his lips.

Once in mid-game when he was not getting hits, he switched from chewing tobacco to a large wad of bubble gum but evidently he did not clean his tobacco wad out well enough. When he rolled the pink wad of gum from his jaws and clamped it in his front teeth from habit, the curious camera zoomed in close. Stuck in the pink gum were prickly pieces of tobacco, all mixed together. The announcers were aghast and commented at length.

Fortunately Mrs. Ramirez must have been watching and told him for now days he plays with out either in his mouth. We all thank you Mrs. Ramirez. Now if you could do something about his crotch grabbing for that man is one fantastically good player and could be so much more fun to watch.

The filthy dugouts where they sit when not playing are full of spit, paper cups, sunflower seeds and discarded chews. One thing you won't find on the floor is tissues. These guys are professional one finger nose blowers.

This convinces me that I am watching a bunch of really big, very talented, highly paid, children at play. The poor soul who does the laundry probably cleans the dugouts also. I mean, how many employees are there out there with no gag reflexes?

We just recently added a couple of 20 year old kids to the roster who don't spit, chew or grab. How refreshing and perhaps the trend is turning. I'll bet a legion of Moms are behind this cleaner image.

Now all we have to do is to reach the point when all the SC&G types age into retirement. Then I bet more women would watch baseball, especially those who have spent hours in the bleachers watching their own little leaguer develop.

Till then, I am a bit alone out here as a female fan, but will continue to watch as long as I don't have to clean up after them.