STRANGE SIGHTS

When Florida Turnpike redesigned its uniform shirts, they were met with jeers from the collectors.
Our first reaction was “too busy, Magnum PI'ish, and too Hawaiian. Since there was no choice in the matter and I will wear anything as long as everyone else has to, we climbed into the shirts. Though we were one of the smaller exits, our unusual name, Yeehaw Junction , allowed us front of shirt honors.

What none of us were ready for was the public's craving for those very shirts. The tourists went nuts for them. I was offered $50.00 for one of mine. Had I been wearing a decent bra that day and could have thought of a good cover story, I might have accommodated that tourist. There was such a clamor for the shirts that the state started selling them at the service plazas. Pretty soon, it was hard to tell a tourist from a collector. Go figure.

While working for the turnpike, I was nightly exposed to strange stuff. I believe people think when they are in their cars they have on a cloak of invisibility. The booths are higher than the cars so we pretty much saw everything. Here are some of the bizarre, sad, and sometimes illegal happenings.

Probably the grossest yet silliest were the masturbaters. The exhibitionist types did not try to hide what they were doing, and would just grin really big at our shocked expressions. Fortunately, all those I saw had Sun Passes so there was no exchange of money or tickets. Not sure how I would have managed if I had to make change. Yuck. We called them Wienie Wavers.

We had radio contact with FHP ( the Florida Highway Patrol) at all times. We would call in the "wavers" for indecent exposure. There was one lady cop that hated the WW boys and as soon as we reported one, she would come flying off the Turnpike in hot pursuit. Don't think she ever caught any but she sure tried.

One sad event was a young man in his twenties that I took off one really slow night. I was my usual "try to make everyone smile" self but he just had no expression. I thought he was probably just really tired when he asked where the nearest motel was. We were in the boondocks of Florida. I gave him directions to the only one in 30 miles, a rather old motel at the intersection. Half an hour later, every FHP in the area came flying off the pike.

It seems the man checked into the motel, the clerk heard a shot and called the police. The young man had just barely closed the door when he stuck a gun in his mouth and killed himself. He looked no different than any other customer that night, yet he carried a terrible burden, one he could not live with. I once heard that suicide was a “permanent solution to a temporary problem.” I was consumed with "what ifs" but my rational mind knows nothing I could have done would have stopped him. I was haunted by that man for a long time.

Equally as sad and as haunting, one night as I was getting ready to leave, there was a ruckus in the lanes. My wild eyed boss came in and asked if anyone knew CPR. It seems a passenger in a car, had suffered an apparent heart attack about 3 miles out. I told him I knew CPR and hurried to the parking lot where 3 of his family stood outside the car in panic looking at a man slumped in the passenger seat.

I felt his neck for a pulse but his neck was so swollen, I could feel nothing. I asked the man in the group to help me put him on the ground so I could start CPR. Fortunately for me, the FHP pulled up. Two officers put him on the ground and started to work on him immediately.

The tourists were a middle aged, oriental foursome that had just come from Disney World. They said that he had just made a gurgling noise, then slumped over. He had no previous heart problems.

His wife grabbed my arm and hung on to the point of hurting. I will never forget her plaintive wail as she screamed into the night, ”Jackie, don't leave me.” As I write this, I can hear that desperate cry.

An EMT arrived who worked frantically while waiting for the chopper to transport him but to no avail. Jackie did leave her that night. I really had never nor have I since, seen such raw pain and fear in a person.

On a lighter note, well for me anyway, one really slow night, a teenage girl pulled into my lane. She was on her cell phone and crying. Shoving the cell phone at me, she sobbed, “It's for you.”

Well that will bring you up short. Who was she and who was she talking to that knew me?? Tentatively, I took the phone and said a soft, “Hello?”

A slightly panicked male voice answered. “You have my daughter in front of you. Can you tell me where she is and help me get her home? She has been going up and down the turnpike and doesn't have any idea where she is so I can't help her.” God bless cell phones.

The poor child was in a full blown ugly cry. She had been trying to get to Orlando but when she stopped at a service plaza for gas near Orlando, she got turned around . Changing direction on the turnpike at a service plaza is not easy to do but possible. Now she was heading back where she had come from. Her dad and I figured if we could get her back to the same service plaza where she gotten confused, he could meet her there and lead her home.

I went over and over with her how to get back on the turnpike going the correct way. “Straight up over the hill” I pounded into her. Her tears were dry but son of a gun if she didn't turn left before the hill and headed back towards Miami. I got FHP on the radio and they were able to stop her, get her turned around and then lead her to the service plaza. God bless her, I hope she gave up driving forever that night.

I wrote about the 9/11 terrorist here so I'd say we just about saw it all.

Ninety nine point nine percent of the people we met were darlings and I really enjoyed them. The rest certainly kept us on our toes. You never knew what the next car would bring.

The next time you pay your toll--- smile, the collector has probably had a strange day.