Monday, September 25, 2017

BULLY


Bulling is in the news quite a bit these days. I married an admitted bully who bragged about muscling smaller kid's lunch money from them when he was younger. I should have taken that to heart before marrying him but I didn't. Surely he had changed I thought. Some might---he hadn't, though he never took my lunch money.

I'd always stated when asked that I had never been bullied in school nor had I been a bully. However in a recent email conversation with a childhood friend, I realized that I had been bullied but had just buried it. Thanks Elaine, I need to claim it.

When I was a junior in high school, I lived in Ohio for half the year before we moved to Florida.  I had started dating Ken who was a basketball player and a really sweet guy.  He had been dating a cheer leader for over a year when they broke up. A few weeks later, he and I started dating. Honest, they were history when I came into the picture. I was not a poacher.

It seems however that the cheerleader wasn't finished with him and didn't take kindly to my dating him. That is when the bullying began. Peg (false name) got the whole cheer leading squad--6 girls--to torment me. My bullies came gang style.

All day long they would take turns bumping into me sharply in the halls, tripping me, knocking my books to the floor, then walking away with an "oops" and a snicker like it was an accident.

Being a small person, totally non-violent by nature, and vastly outnumbered, I was pretty much scared and leary all the time. Ken soon made it his job to walk me to each of my classes so while I still got stink eyes from all 6 girls, at least I no longer got bruised in the halls. Yes, "mean girls" are a scary thing.  I had no desire to see that movie when it came out. I'd lived it.

Today bullying has taken on new horrors via social media.  Bullies no longer have to touch you physically to make your life a nightmare. They can take you down with media gossip. I so fear for the bullied today and hate the new weapon of choice, cyber attacks.

I had hoped the increasing spotlight of criticism being shown brightly on bullying would make a difference but despair that recently even world leaders seem to have taken up the sport of twitter shaming and are making it seem fashionable. I really am getting tired.

Were you bullied in school or work?  Have your children or grands been victims?

43 comments :

  1. If I was, i also buried it deeply. I remember once seeing two girls flighting and ripping each other's earrings out of their ears, tearing the lobes. I was horrified but was only an observer. You are such a sweet person, how could you know about such mean girls?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Djan,
      Evidently my dating with her boyfriend brought out the mean.
      I always wondered how awful it would be to have an earring ripped from my ear. And those guys that have them in their nipples. Don't even want to think of that.

      Delete
  2. We moved a lot. Each town brought a new group of friends (young associates). Some were nice others were bullies. Only one time did I respond as a bully myself and regret it to this day. Wish I could find the girl and apologize.

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    1. Annie,
      I know that wish. I let peer pressure once make me hurt a person by withdrawing my friendship due to her color. I posted about it and it helped a bit, but like you, I wish I could see her face to face.

      Delete
  3. If I was bullied it was my brother doing it. I don't remember much about my school days. They weren't particularly bad or good. But I know for a fact that I was never a bully.

    Now we have elected a bully and I can't tell you how distressed that make me.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Jean,
      I know and it is so ironic that his wife is taking up bullying as her cause. Perhaps she knows of what she speaks.

      Delete
  4. I don't think I was ever a bully or victim of one (that I can remember anyway). But... I did see another being bullied or perhaps more shunned than bullied in grade school... and I regret that I didn't have the strength (gumption, balls?) to interfere. All I remember is feeling bad for them.

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    1. Rian,
      Kids can really be mean can't they? It is hard when we are young to stand up against what we as adults now know is terribly wrong.

      Delete
  5. I think my mom was at times a bully and i hated that but other family members were so kind I felt well loved. After Dad died so young and Mom turned to alcohol I was at times a bully to her by lashing out because I did not understand her illness. And frustration led me to be impatient with my 10 junior sister always left in my care. At school I was not bullied .and now my old hubby has moments and bullies our family. Demenia apparently plays a role.
    World leaders no longer being diplomatic seems rather barbaric.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Heidrun,
      There is no way a child could understand the illness of alcoholism. I hope you and your sister have discussed this and mended wounds.
      Yes, dementia can bring out anger and often violence. What a nasty disease
      It is tough when we have no respect for our leaders.

      Delete
  6. I remember that there were bullies in my school back in the day, but I was always a shy kid who lived in my own little world. Every now and then we (my siblings and I) would intervene to protect someone from bullies, but bullying didn't seem a common occurrence back then.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. robin,
      Proud of you for stepping in. That is a hard and brave thing to do for that can often make you a target. I don't recall seeing a lot of bullying out side of my cheerleader gang.

      Delete
  7. If you count controlling through intimidation by temper tantrums and threats I guess so.

    But now she's doing it to some other jerk, and he deserves it.

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  8. Yes, but now she is doing it to the jerk she left me for!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. joeh,
      That has to be rather satisfying. Think we both got lucky.

      Delete
  9. I don't remember being bullied at school, but I was constantly bullied at home by a brother. That is an entirely different story. He remains a bully. Obviously, we don't have a good relationship. In fact, we have no relationship. Bullies seldom change.

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    1. Sally,
      Oh, I am so sorry that it was a family member that gave you such grief and even sorrier that he didn't grow out of it. Feel badly for whom ever he married and his children.

      Delete
  10. It frightens me that we have a bully as our president!!

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    1. Fran,
      Sure gives new meaning to the phrase,"bully pulpit." I fear he is making it seem like a legit way to behave.

      Delete
  11. Our Prez seems to give us a new twist on teaching moments with our children grandchildren -- "This is how NOT to talk or behave."

    I don't recall bullying occurring toward anyone in my Jr. High and High School. Some classmates were more popular than others, but no one seemed to pick on others. There were jealousies, disagreements between some, but wasn't aware they ever became bully-like as I read about today. Maybe it was just a different time then, or our school was small -- forty in my graduating class -- heaven only knows we weren't different from other kids, I don't think.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. joared,
      Think small had some bearing. I went to both small and very large schools. I think in small schools, bad behavior is easily detected and avoided.
      I agree, 45 is really setting the bar low as an example.

      Delete
  12. Yes I remember many instances all through school, when you were always the "smallest guy in class" it happens. Kids can be mean and a lot of stuff you do hide in the back of your mind.

    I also had a stepdad that was a jewel but that's a whole story in itself.

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    1. Jimmy,
      Yikes, you had to deal with it in school and home. Not fair but you sure got past it and became a really special man with a good heart.

      Delete
  13. The only one who bullied me was my older brother. No one else tormented me as much.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Stephen,
      Hearing a lot about that older brother bullying. I think the male rivalry is pretty common. Sure glad I was the girl.

      Delete
  14. I was so obviously vulnerable as a child that no one picked on me. It would have been too easy, and I was a threat to no one. My brother, however, enjoyed tormenting me.

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    1. Linda
      Oh and here I thought it was only brother against brother. Mine were pretty cool and I think I tormented mine as a wishful tag along.

      Delete
  15. I was bullied in Grade 3, it was soon after my mum left us and I wasn't handling it well, two other girls would taunt me saying I must be ugly and stupid because Mums don't leave little girls if they love them.
    Later, my own daughter was bullied by a pair of girls soon after starting at a new high school. Hubby and I confronted the Principal who claimed to know nothing, that those two were model students etc, he referred us to the student counsellor who immediately said she knew the girls well, they'd done this sort of thing before and she was going to arrange for them to attend separate classes "right now". And she did. I remember walking into the school that morning and all T's new friends were there to support her, they new the mean girls too.
    Still later, quite recently, my supervisor in my last job, was a bully and she tried to bully me and I pretended not to notice all the little things she did, so her efforts fell flat. When she tried to make trouble by changing my shift and not telling me so I'd be late, I told her off. She never did apologise.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. River,
      I am so sorry you had to put up with such nasty kids. I never understood what kids got from being mean. It was fortunate that the counselor was on his game and could protect your daughter. Too often bullies go unpunished.
      Your boss was proof positive that bullies don't out grow bad behavior.

      Delete
  16. I had to deal with bullying as a special education teacher. It is never okay. Three days ago an 8 yer old boy in NH was left hanging with a rope around his neck by a small group of teens. The parents claim it was a backyard accident. My stomach seizes every time I think of it.

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    1. Olga,
      I read about that and was horrified by it. That is beyond bullying, that is pure racism and it frightens me that those teens thought it was OK to do that. I fear for our future.

      Delete
  17. I may have been a poster child for bullying (shy, dead father, poor, glasses, permed hair, knocked kneed) but I never felt negatively singled out in any way. My mother was a strong woman who instilled confidence in me, so maybe I just walked tall through whatever and didn't let anyone get me down. I'm frightened now for my grandchildren though. It's a different word and cyber bullying can have far-reaching and lasting consequences. I'm gasping at Olga's comment!

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    1. Barb,
      Bullies seem to know who will allow them to be aggressive. Your strong self worth made you a poor target.
      That NH boy, thank God lived but that those teens thought it was all right to do that, makes me sick and afraid.

      Delete
  18. My 5th grade son was being bullied on the playground after lunch by an older boy. I advised him to hit him in the nose with his best shot and then run. Also that I wouldn't defend him if he was called in by the principle. He followed my advise, didn't run, wasn't called in and the bullying was ended. That was a father advising him not in my role as a teacher...:)

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    1. TB
      That was funny how you chose to wear the Dad hat and not the teacher hat. That must have been a bit of conflict. Hopefully that ended that bullies career.

      Delete
  19. Yes, and yes. I was different and called four eyes. My kids were poor, not clean, and pretended they didn't care. They did.

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    1. Mage,
      Oh no, two generations:( I'm so sorry. I hope it made you both stronger and more tolerant.

      Delete
  20. I was in High School 1n 1946 to 1950. I really believe it was a different world then ... maybe being so close to the WWII years, but we did a lot of teasing and silly stuff that I wouldn't put in the category of bullying

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    1. Ginnie,
      It would be nice to think that there was once a generation that wasn't mean.

      Delete
  21. I don't recall a lot of bullying when I was in school. Only one or two kids were bullies and they seemed to have no particular people they targeted. They just took every opportunity that arose. But I don't recall any kids specifically bullied by several other kids. I honestly think we were a bit more accepting that some kids were "weird" and that was all right.

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    1. Carolyn,
      I always wondered what makes even those one or two think it is OK to dominate another. Today it is so easy. Just a thumb stroke can tear down another.

      Delete
  22. I don't recall ever being bullied. I was in the same elementary/middle and high school with all my friends and classmates so we all knew each other well and protected each other from everything... as far as I know, anyway. I'm surprised you were able to bury that incident away. I'm sure glad Ken protected you.

    ReplyDelete

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