Friday, August 13, 2010


I love baseball. Since Arkansas has no professional sports teams, I am hanging on to my Marlins and the Dolphins from Florida for dear life. I do love the Dolphins football team but only get to see about one game a year. However my love for the Marlins entices me to dig deep into my pocketbook. I will pay to see them by buying the sport program from Direct TV. It beats the summer rerun doldrums.

Now that I have said how much I love baseball, let me tell you what annoys the poop out of me. Grabbing, spitting, chewing, and horribly messy dugouts. OK you guys out there that played sports, I understand that “cup” you wear is to protect those parts deemed most valuable and is necessary. I really do understand and totally approve.

What I don't understand is that football players also wear them. They run, they jump, they wrestle and they fall. You just don't see them with the crotch fascination and attention that a lot of the baseball players display. How come?

It is just understood that when a player grabs his crotch, he will spit. It is reflexive. Really makes you think twice about wanting one for a boyfriend or husband. Makes you wonder if they continue these "habits" in street clothes? While not all players are this obsessive, let me describe an actual at bat of one of the worst offenders in the game.

As he prepares to bat, this batter first grabs the crotch of his uniform with his right hand and pulls it up as far as it will go. He then digs in the batter's box with his feet, grabs his crotch again, swings bat around, spits, adjusts batting gloves, and grabs his crotch one more time for good luck and with a quick spit, he swings at the ball----strike one. Then we start the process all over again. A long at bat can last 8 or 9 pitches. That is a lot of grabbing and spitting.

Then if he hits the ball and gets to a base, the crotch gets another visit and rearrangement. Some players thankfully just give a quick tweak for adjustment while others make it a project. I do appreciate the tweakers. Perhaps it is just a simple matter that the cup needs to be redesigned. Do hope someone comes up with that soon. That would be a great project
for someone who is looking for work.

Spitting is another thing. Chewing tobacco demands the spit. Those who don't chew also spit, it just isn't as dramatic or as often. There are good spitters and crummy spitters. Most are able to project the spit clear of their bodies, some just can't seem to make it past the uniform or sometimes the chin. You don't want to know about those with facial hair.

Who ever does the laundry for the professional teams must not have a gag reflex. Fortunately a good head first slide into a base covers up most of the errant spits with good clean dirt.

Once even the TV announcers got grossed out. One of the best players in baseball, Hanley Ramirez, produced the nastiest thing I have ever seen. Ball players are notoriously superstitious. If they are doing something and are hitting well, they will continue.

If Hanley hits well when he is chewing tobacco, he will always play with a cheek full of tobacco till the streak stops. He had a gross habit of rolling his wad of tobacco out of his cheek pouch and holding it in his front teeth to air out while adjusting his crotch. The result was a brown turdy looking thing protruding through his lips.

Once in mid-game when he was not getting hits, he switched from chewing tobacco to a large wad of bubble gum but evidently he did not clean his tobacco wad out well enough. When he rolled the pink wad of gum from his jaws and clamped it in his front teeth from habit, the curious camera zoomed in close. Stuck in the pink gum were prickly pieces of tobacco, all mixed together. The announcers were aghast and commented at length.

Fortunately Mrs. Ramirez must have been watching and told him for now days he plays with out either in his mouth. We all thank you Mrs. Ramirez. Now if you could do something about his crotch grabbing for that man is one fantastically good player and could be so much more fun to watch.

The filthy dugouts where they sit when not playing are full of spit, paper cups, sunflower seeds and discarded chews. One thing you won't find on the floor is tissues. These guys are professional one finger nose blowers.

This convinces me that I am watching a bunch of really big, very talented, highly paid, children at play. The poor soul who does the laundry probably cleans the dugouts also. I mean, how many employees are there out there with no gag reflexes?

We just recently added a couple of 20 year old kids to the roster who don't spit, chew or grab. How refreshing and perhaps the trend is turning. I'll bet a legion of Moms are behind this cleaner image.

Now all we have to do is to reach the point when all the SC&G types age into retirement. Then I bet more women would watch baseball, especially those who have spent hours in the bleachers watching their own little leaguer develop.

Till then, I am a bit alone out here as a female fan, but will continue to watch as long as I don't have to clean up after them.


  1. Well now Patti you have me curious now. I'd never noticed this before:)

  2. You made me laugh and gag. I once belonged to a gym where guys felt free to spit in the water fountain. GROSS!!

  3. This is NOT the post to read early in the morning, while drinking I can't eat. Thanks a lot Patti! The bubble gum, Uhhhh! My stomach may never forgive you....but...I will. You also managed to make me laugh between the (almost gags)!

    My mother was a HUGE baseball fan, during the Big Red Machine Era of the Cincinnati Reds...the Johnny Bench-Pete Rose period. Great Post!

  4. I have never cared for baseball, but I am aware of all the crotch-adjusting. I don't like seeing it any more than you do.

  5. And if those guys ever saw photos of people who have had their jaw or tongue and half their faces removed due to tobacco-chewing, they might stop.

  6. Don't forget the nose pickers in the dugout. The camera always finds them when it's a televised game.

    I love going to baseball games. When we lived in Chicago I became a Cubs follower and would save the ironing for daytime Cubs games, back in the days when WGN televised every game. My family looked crisp and fresh during baseball season, rumpled the rest of the year.

  7. LOL, LOL, LOL.....Very Very Funny and BEAUTIFULLY Written, too....I don't think I will be watching on any regular basis, but I am going to have to check out what The Dodgers and the Yankees do...

  8. First, this is so, so true and an extremely accurate description of the entire situation.

    Second, I heartily agree with your estimation of how gross it all is.

    Third, this is just too much of a hoot not to pass on to the world in general! It should be on David L or Jay L...only they should add clips of real incidents to document each item. Love it, very funny!

  9. That is gross, isn't it? Makes you wonder, does the cup NOT fit well, or are they checking to make sure their manhood is still in tack? Or perhaps it's so small it gets lost in the cup, or on the other hand, perhaps it's too large for the cup, but what ever the reason, for pete's sake, stop the crotch pulling and the gross spitting. It's bad enough to have to watch butt patting/slapping. LOL

  10. This is hilarious. Yay for you for calling attention to a totally disgusting and accepted grope of summer. I gave up watching baseball along time ago for some of the very reasons you listed. The spitting part is the worst...ewwwwuyyyy.
    Great job of describing. Nasty and boring. Now football is just nasty but I watch it every week anyway. I started out watching just to annoy hubbers but now I'm the one who has a fav team and fav players. Life's a ride, huh?

  11. You really made me laugh ...brilliant observations ...cant stand men chewing backy ...dont they know it causes mouth Cancer ... and spitting just makes me scream 'WHY'

    I know we dont have baseball over here but there are other sports that seem to encourge some of this behaviour... eg grabbing at their man idea why. ?? Does the frequency increase with poor shots? I wonder if its a subconcious thing telling us that they are real men ...even though their playing is rubbish lol xx .

  12. Carol,
    I have noticed some TV coverage focuses on the face of the players so you miss some crotch grabs but you will get a good shot of the spit. Whee.

    Oh yuck, in the water fountain? Yikes.Glad you got a chuckle.

    I thought about a "gag warning" but didn't pull the trigger. Guess it would be polite of me in the future.
    So glad you forgive me.
    I too followed the Big Red Machine when I was in Ohio, same period.

    Each time I see a jaw swollen with a huge wad of tobacco, I think those same thoughts. I have seen those pictures and they are terrifying.

    You know-- you are right, I think this all goes back to the TV camera men.Do they give the nose pickers privacy?? No, they focus on them until they are finished digging. Got to put some of the crotch and spitting blame on them also.
    I hear once a Cubby fan, always a Cubby fan.The greatest fans in baseball.

    Thanks Naomi. The Yankees are pretty good at arranging stuff. That was a Yankee in the first pictue. Not sure about the Dodgers. Have fun watching.

    Do you think if we give it enough notice that the boys of summer might change? Hanley gave up his tobacco wad,maybe crotch next?? We will take any progress we get.

    Think you may have something on the size of his package vs size of cup. Maybe they just need a good fitter.

    Linda in NM
    Now the football guys bleed a lot but I don't recall much of the grouping. Maybe the tight pants they wear (one reason I watch) keeps everything in place. I love football also.

    You may have a good point. It seems the worse they are doing the more they grab. Very well could be a macho reassurance thing."Yep, I struck out last time but I am still a man."

  13. What a hoot! Loved this post. Very creative, and also very true.

  14. Hilarious, of course, but true? You bet! Yuck.... blessings, marlene

  15. This post was so funny, but how right you are. I do not watch baseball, but I have seen a few plays when hubby was watching. Baseball is not the only area crotch grabbing seems to be the thing to do...I really think they could find other things to do to help them feel better or whatever the crotch grabbing does for them.

    This was a terrific post.


  16. I love this post, Patti... This is just SO true --when it comes to baseball... I love baseball too but haven't watched any games or been to any games since I left Texas. I used to follow the Houston Astros--and we would go to a few games during the year..... And --what you are saying is TRUE.... Hopefully, the next group of young players will change that horrible habit.

    My Daddy was a huge baseball fan --and my hometown had a small farm league for a couple of years. Daddy sold tickets to the games ---and I'd go with him.... I learned to love baseball at a very young age. Daddy was a huge Yankee fan back then --so I became a Brooklyn Dodger fan...


  17. I take the grandkids to the local team's games a few times a summer and it is kind of disgusting when you see these guys doing that especially while holding your four year old granddaughter on your lap! It's nice to see someone else who thinks like I do..

  18. I'm not and never was a ball player, so I can't speak to much of this. However, as a runner I can tell you that spitting is a necessity. I try to be as discreet as possible - wait for that motorist to pass by, or the woman jogging the other direction. During a race is a different story. You do what you have to do. Sunday I will be running a road race with 10 or 12 thousand other people and I would guess a majority of us - men, woman and children - will at some point along the way have to spit.

    Chew, dip, or whatever you like to call tobacco is just nasty. The spit from that is hideous and disgusting.

  19. Linda,
    Ah, yes it is and we can either laugh or barf. I chose to laugh.

    You obviously have seen it also. Rough on the gag reflex isn't it.

    Thanks. Guess no one has found an alternative though I am not sure what would work as well for the boys.

    Thanks Betsy and weren't you the contrary little one. Bet those games were fun for you two. Nothing like a good competition with lots of razzing.

    Rocky Mountain Woman,
    Gee,do you think we should start a movement? Might work.

    Ah, so far the lone male voice of reason. I know you are a fine young man so if you say one has to spit, then it is fact. We do agree about chewing totally.
    Is it time for Falmouth Race all ready? With 12 thousand people, guess the roads will get pretty slick.
    Do well Barry, will be waiting for the pictures.

  20. All of that is so gross, how can they pay any sports player that much money anyway, something wrong with that picture when so many are out of work and so poor. The tobacco and spitting takes the cake, no wonder so many folks are ill with colds, all those germs spreading around.

    I think women should revolt and start spitting, cussing (well I already do that) and grabbing our breasts and rearranging them in public, wonder what would happen if we did that? I guess it would be considered a lewd act or something.

  21. This is one of the funniest things I've ever read. You need to send it to Sports Illustrated.

  22. Linda Starr,
    Pretty sure if we did that, the men would just gather, cheer and not be offended in the least.
    We do have different sensibilities.

    Thanks so much for thinking so. Since guys have no problem with this, doubt they would print it.

  23. Oh, my....I am a die hard Cubs fan...go figure....Love the confines of Wrigley....Don't live near there anymore...But, here in NC we hav3 3-5 minor league teams to choose from...I Love going to Greensboro to the new park....The farm team for the Marlins plays there...Go Grasshoppers.....Haven't notice any of this kind of behavior from the Hoppers....and just a couple times watching games on TV...
    You are too funny, Patti....Keep writing...I love reading...

  24. I am laughing 'fit to bust', as you folks over the big pond say.
    I know nothing about baseball, have never watched a match, probably never will - no real chance here - but now I won't need to, because your account is the liveliest, most detailed and funniest sporting tale I've ever read.

    btw: protecting the Crown Jewels is a man thing, a lot of sportsmen here do it too. I also once had a boss, who regularly re-adjusted his crotch when he came into my office; he meant no harm but the habit got so bad I had to turn my back.

  25. OMG I just finished breakfast and now to keep it down. hahahaha
    Hurray for you I think this should be sent to all the major leagues and let them post it on their lockers hahaha
    Better still send it to the papers.
    You my friend are such a hoot. As always I leave you with a laugh and smile on my face.
    when are you going to write me a blogazine story.

  26. We have no baseball here in my country( I think).But you describe the game so vividly, that I actually see the players spit, chew and grab. You are a great writer! Great and funny post!! ;)

  27. Sandy,
    Lucky you that got to see the Grasshoppers. I love the farm teams and used to watch the Vero Dodgers.
    Perhaps you got to see Gaby Sanchez, Mike Stanton and Logan Morrison when they were Grasshoppers. They are three shining rookies this year that I love to watch play. And none of them C S or G.

    So glad I was able to tickle you. It is one thing to watch athletes do that but your boss???? Goodness. He didn't even have a cup to adjust.

    You and Wanda make me realize I really need to supply gag warnings. Sorry bout that.
    I have no trouble blathering on my blog but am not sure I could come up with an assignment for your blogazine. Maybe after I read some more of the stories---

    Reader Wil,
    Ah but you do have baseball, it is just not all that popular. Your Netherland team does really well in the National games. Until this year, we had one of the few Dutch players, Rick Vanden Hurk. He was traded to the Baltimore Orioles.
    I miss him, he was a cutie. Pretty sure he wasn't a spitter.

  28. Thank you Patti! Ah, so we have a baseball team. Rick van den Hurk, I shall remember that name. Hurk is a very Dutch name anyway. He was not a spitter, you said was he a grabber??

  29. Reader Wil,
    Thats funny. I really think Henricus wasn't a grabber either, possibly a tweaker but they always show mostly just a pitchers face so he may have been innocent of all charges. We can hope.

  30. Thanks again for the comment on the surrender of Japan 65 years ago. Innocent people were killed by the atomic bombs; the real culprits were never punished.

  31. Your wild descriptions made me laugh.. But I will never ever watch a baseball game. period :)

  32. Reader Wil,

    You really won't be missing much but a queasy stomach.