Monday, December 16, 2013

NOT BUTT UGLY, BUT-------


 Jan, Charlene, the runt me, and Jim in order of age, not height.

I'm back from sunny Florida, kind of worn out, a little more tan, over stimulated and 5 pounds lighter. I've stated before that I am a boredom eater and if I were properly entertained, I'd be a ninety pound weakling.  Obviously I was properly entertained by my siblings. If I had stayed longer, I could have shed all my unwanted pounds.  I had such a great time with my family and have a couple of stories to tell, not in any particular order. 

I do believe I promised not to do a repeat of the "butt ugly glasses" episode but I may have topped that one.  

The first night at my sister Jan's, I did my usual 4:00 AM wake up. I am still 
on Mighty Dog time-- a hard habit to break.   Jan's little dog Lilly has some unfortunate potty habits so I thought since I was up anyway, I'd take her for a short walk to empty her bladder, then find a cozy spot to quietly read my Kindle till Jan got up. 

I got dressed, opened the back door to check the weather and thought it just a tad cool so I went out to my car to get a light sweater before getting Lilly ready for her walk. However, when I went to go back in the house, I was stunned to find the door was locked. 

How could that be? I had very carefully checked to make sure both handles turned freely before I shut the door.  Who knew it would lock behind me like a hotel door?  Well crap!!!

OK, it was a lovely Florida night so all was not awful. Now it was closer to 4:30 AM. I looked under all the potted plants and over the doors  for a hidden key. Nothing.

I hated to wake my sister but there really wasn't much to do on the porch for the several hours before Jan normally gets up around 7.  Wasn't sure either that the neighbors wouldn't call the cops regarding that strange old lady milling around the outside of the house making the motion lights blink off and on. 

Then it became imperative that a decision had to be made.  I was developing a growing need to go to the bathroom. I am one of those cursedly regular sorts. Sadly, it was not the discreet plant watering urge hitting me, I had all ready taken care of that before dressing.  It was the impossible to hide event that one might try to blame on a strange dog but would fool no one. Human scat is very recognizable. There was no real option, I needed an honest to goodness toilet.  

Totally embarrassed, I timidly knocked on the door.  Nothing.

I knocked a bit louder. Nothing.

I rang the door bell. Nothing. 

Repeated all of above with much more vigor, many times as the urge grew stronger. Nothing.

Jan's adorable little dog (who still had a full bladder because of my predicament) was barking her head off at my noisy attempts. Nothing. 

Now if I were insecure, I could have gotten a bit concerned that this had been deliberate on Jan's part. Was she trying to tell me I had stayed too long and had locked the door behind me?? Hey, I had just gotten there! 

Maybe she was just playing a joke on me and was inside laughing her head off. That last version would have been friendlier and more sibling like. Kid sisters can be like that. She had done that very thing to me when I was in high school. 

Then reality dawned on me. My sister is hard of hearing and probably takes her hearing aids out at night to sleep so she wasn't able to hear me.  Rats, I was stuck out there till daylight. 

I was ever so grateful it was a warmish, balmy Florida night and not the single digits of Arkansas--- still it was 4:45 AM  and by now, I REALLY had to GO!!!

Bored watching palm trees sway and with my intestinal situation getting more desperate, I got my hidden car key and decided to take a ride in search of a public toilet. I was really needing relief. 

I was traveling light with no purse,no drivers license and no money except my car wash quarters.  Very cautiously and carefully obeying all speed limits, I drove around in search of something being open to solve my urgent problem.  

I eventually found a toilet at an all night convenience store. Ahhh. I bought a scratch off Lottery ticket in appreciation for the use of their facilities.  Not sure what was I thinking with that purchase? Did I think I was enjoying a fabulous sting of good luck and would win something?? Ha!! Four of my meager supply of quarters were gone. 

My view of paradise as I drove around was limited to what was visible by street lights or car headlights.  I only saw a few cars carrying wind down partiers and "walk of shame" types traveling the road at that time of night.  

Eventually the sun broke up the night so I went back to Jan's hoping  she was up. Yea!!! I saw her milling around the kitchen making coffee, unaware I had been missing. 

When she saw me outside knocking on the back door, it dawned on her what had happened. It seems that particular door was defective and always automatically locks itself.  After a brief moment of concern and apologizing for her weird door, she got the giggles and so did I.  

Did I mind my adventure?? Not a bit. It was actually funny in retrospect. No real harm was done and it did give me perfect fodder for a vacation blog post. Besides, the whole family got to enjoy my odd venture. 

I'm just thankful I hadn't gone out side in my night shirt which would have put a whole nuther spin on the story. Things could have been worse and I was happy that this time I was more victim than old lady  daffy like last time. Much easier on the ego. 

Do you save your dimmest moments for vacation times???  I seem to. Must be that getting out of my routine that sets me up for the unusual. 

Right now, I am back home and trying to adjust to the temp change from 70 degree Florida nights to the Arkansas snowy chill. As much as I really enjoyed my visit, it is also good to be home. I trust my doors.   

I really missed visiting with you all and will try to catch up with your blogs. Hope you had a great two weeks. I absolutely did. 
  

46 comments :

  1. Ha ha, what a great story! Things like that happen to me all the time whether I'm on holiday or not!

    I've missed you, welcome back! Nice photo of all of you!

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  2. This sounds like something straight out of a sitcom - although I'm sure it wasn't funny while it was happening lol. Thank goodness you can look back on it and write about it with humor though :)

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  3. It was too, too funny. Perhaps if something similar had not happened to me recently I would have laughed harder. You are indeed a trooper to have made lemonade out of lemons. And sisters can share the telling of this story for ages to come.

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  4. Yes, now you've got the "remember when you got locked outside at 4:00am" story down pat! I laughed and was glad you had that hidden key to your car. I know that feeling of having to go and nowhere to do it in. I'm that regular, too. Love the picture of you and your siblings. :-)

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  5. Oh Patti, thank you for the laughs this morning..I can see you pacing the yard...I'm so glad you had a hidden car key!

    Glad you are home- can't wait to hear about your adventures with the sibs.

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  6. Great story Patti!! We miss you.!! xoxo

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  7. You never disappoint. Love the family portrait...you are a peanut!

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  8. You always come out of your predicaments with grace though. Smart thinking on your part to drive to your own rescue. Missed you and will look forward to your telling of your time with family. Oma Linda

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  9. I'm having a good laugh before I head out to ski! You need to be a TV screen writer. Glad you had fun in FL. Keep warm - I am!

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  10. That is quite a story, Patti. Lucky you had your car keys and were dressed for a ride. Sounds like the beginning of a fun two-week adventure!

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  11. Now that was soo funny! McDonalds...my favorite!!! and, I buy a small diet coke as appreciation for the use of their facilities!

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  12. Great pic of you & the siblings! Your a common sense thinker, and funny as all get out!
    So glad you got time with family.

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  13. I can't imagine going on vacation and losing weight. Congratulations.

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  14. Oh my! That is a funny story. I managed to lock myself in a shared laundry facility on vacation one time. It took my husband a second to locate the reason for the racket, but eventually I was let out.

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  15. HA HA HA---if ANYONE can have interesting experiences, it would be YOU… Love your story --and glad you did find that public toilet…

    Great photo of the siblings… You really are the RUNT… ha

    Merry Christmas.
    Hugs,
    Betsy

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  16. Loved your story, Patti! Thank goodness for that hidden car key!! Nice to see you back!

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  17. What an experience, and shared with your always entertaining storyteller's flair. Thanks for posting the photo so we cpuld put faces with siblings you mentioned in your earlier post. You are a handsome bunch!

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  18. I see your family picture is somewhat like all of mine are sweet Patti. I am always the shortest one in the picture no matter how many family members are in the group.

    I felt for you as I read this story and I was thinking as I read that it was a good thing you were dressed.

    So happy to hear you had a great time with your family. You have been missed. Wish you could have brought some of that Florida warmth and sunshine back with you.

    Welcome home and thanks for the laugh. You do have a wonderful sense of humor my sweet friend. Hugs

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  19. What a relief..... to have you back! Hugs, P L & NS xx

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  20. That was REALLY FUNNY--I've missed you!!

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  21. Joey,
    Yes you do and most are funny at the telling.
    Thanks so much. I really missed you all.

    Keith,
    Ha, A sitcom would have had me in my underwear:)) Thank goodness this was real life.

    Grannie Annie,
    Did you post about it? I will have to check the posts I've missed. Pretty sure you are right about that.

    Djan,
    It does add a "remember when" to our gatherings. Those are always funnier later.
    Thanks.

    Terri,
    Me too. I am huge on hidden keys. We really had some great times that I will bore everyone with later. Thanks.

    Jan,
    How did you like the cropping? That was for both of us.

    Olga,
    I know. How come everyone else got to grow up, I just grew old.

    Linda W,
    I really had no choice. It was a must do. I missed you all also and just hoped all were well and happy.

    Barb,
    Lucky you skiing. Glad I found your funny bone. I need to visit your site to see some real snow.

    robin,
    You are right. There were all sorts of possibilities that didn't happen for which I am grateful. We did have fun.

    turquoisemoon,
    Do they stay open all night? The one I did find was closed. That was a real disappointment.

    Brighid,
    Thanks so much and glad you enjoyed my predicament. It was fun in the retelling.

    Stephen,
    It all boils down to being entertained. I don't even think about food then. When things get quiet is when the hungries hit me.

    Suz,
    It really shakes you when you realize you have no control over your escape doesn't it. Good ole John came to the rescue for you.

    Betsy,
    If I hadn't found that toilet, my question might have been, "Does a frantic Patti poop in the woods?"
    I wasn't kidding about being a wee one.

    Dr. Kathy,
    Thanks so much. Sometimes things just do work out. Good to be back.

    LC
    Thank you. I thought since there might be a couple posts, I should identify my sibs.

    Maggie,
    Hats off to another runt. Side by side, you and I would look normal height. At least no one asks us to reach for stuff.

    Peter,
    Ha, thanks so much. Kind of a relief to be back also.

    Linda M.
    Not even a tease. Just a wasted dollar.

    Fran,
    Thanks so much. I have missed you all so much also.

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  22. That is a funny story.... glad it ended well, and you didn't end up in jail!! You are one heck of a gal to be able to think on your feet, and remedy your situation. You and your sister will laugh and tease each other about her 'locking' you out of the house for many years to come.

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  23. Too, too funny! You sure handled it much better than I would have.

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  24. Oh boy! that's a story that will live on.

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  25. That was quite an adventure! I was thinking the same thing about what if you'd gone out in your nightie....lol! And I really hoped you would tell us you won some money with those tickets. Oh well....that would have been too much good luck! So very glad you had such a great time with your siblings, my dear.

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  26. Well, that was an adventure. I thought you were going to say you won big when you bought the lotto ticket or scratch-off. Never can tell.
    Nice family picture.

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  27. hahahaha That is a hoot! Very glad you were dressed and had keys! : )

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  28. Oh, it could have been so much worse...as you said you could have been in your jammies !

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  29. Too funny! Good thing you had your car key hidden...it could have been worse.

    Did your scratch ticket pay off?

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  30. Ha! How terrible and hilarious all at once. Welcome back.

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  31. That is just too funny! Since that is the kind of thing that happens to me I have now made a note to get a spare car key and magnetic box!

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  32. Yep. Definitely sounds like something that would happen to me.

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  33. Muffy,
    You are so right. Those events that have a hitch in them are the ones we remember.
    I did wonder if I could be considered vagrant if I at least had a car.

    Miss Dazey,
    Sure you would have. When choice is limited, it is easy.

    Linda R.
    With a little luck, it will make my family forget my eyeglasses episode. That is a good thing.

    Naomi,
    Winning the lottery would have made a better story. Not to be however. Thank you, I really did have a great time.

    Manzi,
    That would have been fun wouldn't it? At least I only bought a dollar one.

    Jules,
    I almost always have a plan B. Must be from previous events that I developed that.

    Ginnie,
    I know. I have no idea how I would have solved the problem had that happened. Thank goodness I wasn't tested.

    Eileen,
    Aww, sadly not. But it did give me access to a toilet. I considered that winning.

    Barry,
    Thanks, it is good to be back. Most events have those two aspects, if we are lucky.

    Aunt Betsy,
    Welcome to TNS. So glad you stopped by. Yes, it is a great back up plan to have. I highly recommend it.

    Peruby,
    Welcome to the "yes it can happen to me" club. Our types do have to have a back up plan don't we?

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  34. That is hilarious. Sounds just like Erma Bombeck or Fannie Flagg! Hmm...five pounds. Say, could I visit your relatives?

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  35. Oh my. This is exactly the kind of adventure I often bring on myself. Always funny though if you survive it....:)

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  36. Oh how funny! You are a character. I am so glad you had a hidden key for your car. I have no such thing. I also loved seeing the photo of you and your siblings. I'm so glad you had a good visit.

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  37. NCmountainwoman,
    Wow, that is illustrious company. Thank you.
    Did you see Fannie Flagg has a new book out? It was my present to my self and on my to be read next list.

    TB,
    Thanks for making me feel not so alone. Often the farther away you get, the funnier it gets.

    Sally,
    You don't need a hidden key. That is what Jim is for. Thanks, it was really a great time and long overdue.

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  38. Yep. Got the new Fannie Flagg. Read it. Loved it.

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  39. Oh my gracious, Patti! This is too (sorry) funny. I imagine it wasn't funny then though. Since I don't drive, I would have been in real trouble. What a RELIEF you were able to get some relief.

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  40. NCmountainwoman,
    Good to hear she is up to snuff. I am looking forward to it.

    Kay,
    Goodness, you not only don't swim but you don't drive. Art sure comes in handy doesn't he?

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  41. you guys are the best! I got a little nasty bug and have not been to the post office yet :( I am real bad, but should send your painting this next week :)

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  42. Wow! I'm open-mouthed that you had a hidden car key and could get to a toilet. Gosh, you think clearly under pressure--no matter where it comes from.

    The five pound loss REALLY impressed me. If they're that entertaining, take me along next time.

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  43. Ana,
    I am so very sorry you have been ill. Hope it goes away soon and lets you enjoy the Holidays.

    marylee,
    Ha, we could make them the Florida fat farm. It worked really well for me. Lost one more pound since I got home but it was tough and not nearly as fun.

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  44. Epic family story. Glad you had the spare key--and the quarters helped too.

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  45. grannybit,
    Thank you so much for stopping by TNS and commenting. I do usually try to have a back up plan. Was lucky that time.

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