Monday, May 18, 2020

SO THAT'S WHAT IT FEELS LIKE


TMI (I apologize for Too Much Information but this is all I have for today)

Sunday I awoke to a rather urgent nudging. I really had to go to the bathroom and there was no lolly gagging about it.  Son of a gun, I had diarrhea.  Can't remember the last time I was visited by that lovely bug.

What surprised me was that it didn't go away with just one purging.  It was here for hours and hours.  The cramps were attention getting and incessant.  There was no pause. Burning butt set in.

I visited Dr. Google and he said it could actually be Covid 19 but the mild form.  Well that was good to know. Other wise he said to drink lots of water and stick with bland foods.

What finally wore me down was the fact that hours later, it was still here with no signs of letting up. The cramps were fierce.

Then something in me gave.  I curled up on the bed when not in the bathroom and proceeded to feel quite sorry for myself. An "I really don't care anymore" malaise took over and new feelings claimed me.  It got pretty dark in my mind.

That was when I realized--I was depressed.  Now I have been sad my share of times  but never did I want to throw in the towel like I did Sunday. Wow, what an ugly feeling that was and one that I can honestly say I have not entertained much if at all in my life.
 
I have wrestled with cancer, heart disease and COPD fairly well but it just took a dose of the runs to bring me down.  Wow, what strength of character you have Patti. What it did do was make me appreciate those who suffer depression on a regular basis. It is a monster.

I realized the diarrhea might have piggy backed on the stresses we have all be under for a couple of months.  With no real end in sight for either situation made me vulnerable.

Four hours later, as quickly as it came over me, it left.  When I realized  the  cramping was gone for good, life began to look doable again and the depression also left me.  I really don't want to see it again anytime soon and am only grateful it was relatively short lived.

Have you found that it doesn't take much to push you over the edge these days?

50 comments :

  1. Sorry for your malaise, but glad it was short lived. Patti, when I feel depressed it's usually because I have some sort of wog. But these days it could be a Covid symptom, so no wonder it wears on the mind. My prescription? Refocus by doing something that requires concentration. Better days ahead.

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    1. Florence,
      I know, there is so much uncertainty these days. I did do that refocus thing and it did help. This was a new experience and I hope the last.

      Delete
  2. Poor you, Patti! So glad it left you. Depression is a part of my world, my mother's and my younger brother's and who knows how many other relatives! It bit me some years ago and I miss my old "me". In our cases, we didn't need a reason, it just took over our lives. I'm pretty sure yours will clear up when the pandemic does! Hang in there better days are coming. 💖

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    1. Susan,
      I am so sorry that it has been in your family and now I understand just a little how overpowering it can be. I am fine now but now know I am capable of the darkness.

      Delete
  3. Exact.y, Patti. I think our emotions are rising close to the surface these days. Perhaps they always are right there but in the busy, go-go, do-do, don't stop pace of "normal" life we just never learned to process them effectively.
    I am glad this episode was short lived for you. The fact that you used it to connect with others who are suffering that and worse is a good thing. It was healing energy for you and also healing energy that you sent out to the world. Namaste.

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    1. Olga,
      I do hope some others will benefit from what I went through. I know I never really understood what others go through till it hit me.

      Delete
  4. Patti, I'm sorry to hear you had as my family refers to it "Tummy Trouble" . Having been there myself I sympathize with you.
    Its refreshing to read a "real" blog as opposed to the blue sky blogs.
    Yours is the first blog I look at on Monday morning.
    Thanks again.

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    1. Lexie,
      Thank you so much for the kind words and am glad you visit me on Mondays. Don't think I have told you but I love your name. If I got to chose my name it would have been Lexie. Saw it years ago in a Nicholas Sparks novel and really liked it.

      Delete
  5. This is not too much information. We all need to hear when our loved ones, which for me includes you, Patti, are not feeling up to snuff. Whatever caused it, I'm glad it's gone. We are all having a tough time in this pandemic, but our friends help us over the hump. I suffer depression occasionally, but I agree that it's an awful thing and have my own coping mechanisms. Sending you lots of love.

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    1. Djan,
      Thank you so much for your support and caring. I am sorry you have also been there. It is not a pleasant place to be. So glad you have coping mechanisms that help you deal.

      Delete
  6. Patti, I am glad you figured it out and it wasn't covid-19. However just because it sort of passed at that moment doesn't mean you're out of the woods. Please take care of your mental and physical health. We need you here woman! I've been in a very dark depression before and the only reason I am here is because I couldn't do that to Rick. It was a very scary time before I got help. I understand this. It doesn't mean you're weak, it means you are strong enough to plow through, strong enough to realize what it is/was, and strong enough to attempt to figure it out. I am proud of you. Everyone deals with this quarantine differently and I think we are all hanging by a thread. Last week something like the fridge set me off and I am so not like that. But I had a melt down. So don't beat yourself up, you're wonderful and we are hear for you. You know you can email me privately and call. ((hugs))

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    1. Margaret,
      Thank you so much for caring. You have no idea how much it means to me. I did not expect these great comments and am quite humbled by them. So sorry you have also been in that dark hole and bless Rick for being your anchor. Think I am good now but realize that a lot of us are on the edge. I think just knowing that will be a great help. Thank you.

      Delete
  7. I'm so sorry you had to deal with that, Patti. These are such difficult times in so many ways. Our bodies are acting out and keeping us guessing. I'm glad that you are feeling better and that your spirits are a bit lifted. Yes, life is doable again. Thinking of you.

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    1. robin,
      Yes my feelings are lifted and it is thanks to you and all my great commenters. What a support system blogging is. Thank you my friend.

      Delete
  8. Patti this was not TMI and I very much appreciate your honesty... I’m just glad (as painful as that sounded) it wasn’t something more serious. Y’know, it’s always fun to read the interesting or positive stuff others share (others you like & care about), but it’s episodes like this that help people feel less alone. I may not be as old as some of your other readers, but dealing with a chronic medical condition for almost 18 months now, it just takes its toll sometimes. Curling up in a fetal position and feeling overwhelmed... I know the feeling. Anyway, you’re a very dear person Patti and I’m just glad you’re feeling better.

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    1. Doug.
      Thank you so much for understanding and I don't know about others but just writing this has helped me enormously as have all the sweet comments. You always say the nicest things and I am happy we have crossed paths and become virtual friends. I'm still praying for that jaw of yours to totally heal.

      Delete
  9. Yes I'm reading and hearing about this a great deal at the moment, where people think they are keeping it all together and then one thing will send them over the edge. We all are in survival mode, and then when one thing goes wrong we realise how fragile we are. Glad you are feeling better now.

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    1. Joey,
      Yes, I do believe many of us are closer to the edge than we suspect with the daily bombarding of gloomy news. I know it came as a surprise to me but yes, I am feeling much better now thank you.

      Delete
  10. Scary to be in quarantine and still catch a bug! Mrs.C woke up sneezing the other day, said she had a cold. I asked who did you catch a cold from? You haven't been out of the house. Turned out to be seasonal allergy.

    Glad you are over that issue. TMI? Hell yes, that's why I we all love you, your complete honesty.

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    1. Joe.
      Ha, exactly what I thought at first. Where did I catch this? It must have been delivered. So glad Mrs. C's turned out to be allergies.
      Back at ya for the honesty. Not many would say "Hell yes" and I appreciate it.

      Delete
  11. I have not had the runs in a long time. But, sometimes I do feel depressed and hopeless, but not for long. I am glad you are a survivor. I didn't know you had cancer.

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    1. gigi,
      I am glad your periods of depression are brief. They aren't much fun.
      Yes I have been a survivor for 16 years. Amen.

      Delete
  12. Mind over matter...once you realized it was depression, you knew you'd be okay. It worked. SENDING HUGS your way.

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    1. Anni,
      So true. Pretty sure it was my mind that made me sick in the first place since I have barely left the house. It is a powerful rascal. Thanks for the hugs. We all miss them.

      Delete
  13. So sorry you had to go through that. It could have been a symptom of Covid-19, but if so, a mild one. The know so little about this virus. It seems to affect people differently. But whatever it was, I'm so glad it passed. I actually had a similar thing happen about a week ago. It also passed. Thought it must have been something I ate, but since I don't differ much in what we eat at home, I couldn't think what. And although I don't think I've ever been depressed, I have had days when things seem... what's the word... maybe purposeless? and it's not a good feeling. It has never lasted long, but I sometimes wonder if this is what depression is like. If so, it's awful. So glad you are doing better!

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    1. Rian,
      Back to normal or the new normal anyway.
      Hum you had it too? Wonder if it was some sort of bug but I haven't been anywhere to get it.
      The taste that you and I have had of depression makes us realize how lucky we are that it is just a passing thing. At least I hope so.

      Delete
  14. Thank you so much for sharing TMI! I think hearing that others have the same situations or conditions makes it easier to deal with our own.

    Even the diarrhea! I had the same 5 hour bug! I thought I had food poisoning. And I do wonder where we each caught that bug in two different states!

    I take a daily antidepressant. I've gone off them twice but after about 6 months, I went back on. Just a small dose that keeps me from falling into a black hole. I think as we age we lose some production of hormones (estrogen, cortisol, insulin, thyroid, and so many more). Just add some back in!

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    1. Awkward Widow,
      Oh my that makes three of us with the same symptoms. That can't be a coincidence. I am so glad you have a tool to keep you level. Pretty sure it does have some bearing with aging as it sure is new to me.

      Delete
  15. Having diarrhea that doesn't want to stop is reason enough for anyone to feel depressed. When you're living alone when you're going through it makes it just that much more depressing. I hadn't heard that diarrhea could be a symptom of Covid-19. That would have freaked me out. Glad you are doing better now. My pandemic depression takes the form of comfort eating which I cant seem to stop myself from doing.

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    1. Jean,
      I found out the possible link when I Googled it. They did stress that it was a possible symptom of the mild version. That helped.
      Haven't gotten to comfort eating yet but there is still time.

      Delete
  16. Hope that episode and accompanying depression don't come your way again. The only time I have experienced anything approaching that degree of depression was about a month or so after a surgery. Eventually something triggered recollection of my boss telling me to not think I was losing my mind at about six weeks post op. "It's effects of the anesthesia" he said. In my case, he was right, but it was scary for awhile.

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    1. LC
      I am so sorry you had an episode and am so happy it was only temporary also. It was a really scary place to be for you feel totally out of control and hopeless. May neither of us go there again.

      Delete
  17. So sorry you had this miserable stuff but I'm glad it's over and you are better. At this point I would have to be bleeding severely or at death's door before I would go to the emergency department and I think that adds to our anxiety. Hope you continue to be all right. Make sure you have multi-symptom Immodium or Lomotil and lots of fluids on hand just in case. And thank goodness this didn't happen during the major TP hoard.

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    1. Carolyn,
      I know, I don't even want to go to my Dr's office these days. Luckily I am someone who prepares for most emergencies since I have mostly lived far from any town. I did have Immodium, some Pepto and some Gatorade which seemed to help.
      Funny you mentioned the TP. The whole time as it showed no chance of slowing down, I was ever so grateful that I had finally scored a full package of TP. Sure was going through it fast:)

      Delete
  18. Working through sciatica pain each day often leaves me feeling blue. I work on myself to smile, engage my mind on something else, and keep on keeping on.

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    1. Linda,
      You are such a fine example of how to keep making your life useful and as pleasant as possible. You set the bar high.

      Delete
  19. It takes a LOT to push me over the edge, but once I'm over it takes longer to realise I'm down and have to think over what has been happening to make me feel like that, then give myself a good talking to and tell myself it isn't my fault, I shouldn't be allowing the neighbours shenanigans to get to me. I've come to realise I hate living in flats with neighbours so close, but have to make the best of it for now.

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    1. River,
      You nailed it how it can come as a surprise to you and to realize just what is bringing you down. That is more than half the battle and one I need to work on now that I know this devil exists.

      Delete
  20. Been a long time since I sunk into the depths you describe, but I do recall the wonderful feeling when the darkness lifted as I gazed in appreciation of snow-covered mountains above me.

    Unrelated to above, I have had severe cramps and the physical issues you describe in the past which I hope to avoid ever again so I can empathize. Hope you have such pain no more, too.

    So far, I'm just pretty much going from day to day in these viral days, giving little thought to the confinement that has ensued. I am curious to know how this is all going to end up once there is a vaccination and what normal life will be like then.

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    1. Joared,
      You are so right. The coming back into the light again is really a marvelous feeling. It is like when a nasty pain just quits. Ahhhh.
      The longer the restrictions go on the harder it is to imagine how this will all end. If nothing else, we will all know what gratitude is.

      Delete
  21. Yuck, that doesn't sound like a whole lot of fun. I hope it was a one-time issue for you (no pun intended.)

    I've only found myself depressed once in my life. It was at a time when my daughter was small and I didn't even realize what I was feeling until I was through it. Sadly, my daughter suffers from depression and anxiety on a daily basis. So I see the affects, and spend time every day support and encouraging her through it. I don't expect she'll ever come out the other side, but with medication and supportive and friends, she can manage.

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    1. Eileen,
      In a way it was good for you to experience depression so you can understand just what your daughter is dealing with and how to help her. I am so glad she has so many positive tools in her life.

      Delete
  22. I'm glad you are well enough to post again Patti. This corner of the internet wouldn't be the same without you. May the runs and depression keep far away from you or I'll have to go beat them off with a stick. (Not sure what that would look like...)

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    1. Sherry,
      All is well now and I am delighted to know you are in my corner with a big stick:)

      Delete
  23. My favorite thing about you beside your skill in writing, is your honesty. I sure do appreciate you!

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    1. GQ,
      Aww, you really know how to give a girl a boost. Thank you for always showing up when I need you.

      Delete
  24. Oh MY GOSH! Patti! Yes! Yes! In fact it was just a couple of days ago that Art and I had a blow up. I was going to write about it, but Art was uncomfortable about me “airing dirty laundry.” It wasn’t really dirty laundry. It just came over us. The STRESS. We thought we were doing well. But he got irritated with me and I got double irritated at him. I don’t remember us feeling so angry with each other in such a long, long time. (Actually, I admit it was more me being angry. He just suffered though it.). Anyway, we talked it through and it’s back to more or less normal now. The thing is... it just came upon us so suddenly. Please know that we’re all fighting this together and it sure is a fight. Please take good care of yourself. So many of us love you and care about you.

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    1. Kay,
      When I hear that a couple I think of as so loving and compatible are turning on eachother, it makes me realize just how trying these times are. So happy you are back to your normal, great selves.

      Delete
  25. Same thing happened to me but it was at the very beginning of the pandemic. (I have always been ahead of my time, especially in the worrying department! LOL) I went to the doctor on March 19th. She told me that my diarrhea and extreme nausea was from stress, I could hardly believe it. I try to get out into nature as much as possible. Oh! And deep breathing, that helps. Take care. xx

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Due to massive abuse I will be using comment moderation for a while.