1 year ago
Monday, August 20, 2018
WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE DONE
Sometimes when we get old and creaky, it is easy to get bummed about a body that seems to resist more than assist. Nagging aches and pains, chronic diseases, and just frustration at the noises we now make when we change position. Yep--me too.
I have found a cure for that malaise however. Just go and sit at your local pharmacy waiting for a prescription and watch the parade of folks in much worse shape than you come in for their life preserving meds. Makes you think of the the saying about the man with no feet who makes having no shoes seem a frivolous complaint.
I was rebuilding my self image at the Walmart pharmacy when a woman approached the window. She had her two daughters with her, one about 4 or 5 and the other early teenage. The teen was busy scrolling her smart phone while the young one was trying on eyeglasses from a rack. The same inexpensive glasses I buy for reading.
The young girl squealed in delight when she tried on a pair. "Mama, Mama, look, I can see you."
"I am not buying you a pair of glasses just so you can lose them." The mother snapped crossly turning her back on her child.
"But I can see you." The girl whimpered softly.
My instinct was to approach the mom and ask her if it would be all right if I bought the glasses for her little girl. Surely she knew what strength her daughter needed since she had evidently all ready lost a pair. I half rose but then sat down again. I remembered that shaming or telling someone how to treat their child or dog can bring on quick and sometimes violent anger.
I had that happen to me before when I tried to interfere with how someone had neglected their dog's needs and I had offered to pay for a veterinary visit. I got yelled at that day with a finger shaken in my face. Today with so many people packing guns, no telling how a well intentioned offer could end up.
So I did nothing but am obviously regretting it. My self image instead of being bolstered, took a hit.
That little girl just wanted to see clearly. What would you have done?
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Too bad that mother didn't use her head and buy the little girl a lanyard along with the last pair of glasses. It's very sad because you know she'll fall behind at school if she can't see well.
ReplyDeleteJean,
DeleteWe think alike. Had I gotten that far, I'd have thrown in a lanyard and showed her how to use it. Hopefully the school will require her to have glasses. I know ever in the dark ages, we had our eyes tested at school once a year through the 8th grade.
Oh I've erred both ways. I have let myself be caught up in other peoples "stuff" and offered to help. Much like you I have been rebuffed, but I've also been able to help with a "thank you" as my only punishment. And then I have walked away from situations and that is worse. I grabbled with my lack of "guts" for longer than a rebuke would take. BUT, that was in years past.........now, like you, I'm motivated to be quiet because, frankly, people are getting crazier all the time. Time was you could offer to help with fear of death....but that boat sailed with lack of manners, respect, and pride in being nice. Don't beat yourself up. xoxo Oma Linda
ReplyDeleteOma Linda,
DeleteI know. I have had it go both ways also but a little finger waggling is nothing compared to a gun at your head. I am careful when I drive and with my mouth these days.
That is such a tough situation. My heart would tell me to say something and buy the girl the glasses, but my head would warn me about the crazy times we're living in. I wish there were ways to intervene that wouldn't make us targets. Interesting and sad question, Patti.
ReplyDeleterobin,
DeleteI know. There was a time when there wasn't an either or, we just followed our hearts. Today is a scary new ball game.
such a sad situation. I'm not even sure it was LOST glasses. I have a sneaking suspicion she never had (much needed) glasses at all. I don't know if I would've approached the mom gently or not at all. It's so hard to know anymore, even when you know what you want to do.
ReplyDeleteSilver,
DeleteThe days of doing what we know is right are gone. Everyone is so defensive and thin skinned with motives being questioned. It is hard when you are soft hearted.
I would have done exactly what you did. MYOB. You really had no insight into that situation. I personally would be offended and angry if someone interjected themselves into a personal situation of mine. That gives the impression you either think they are incapable of making a judgement of their own situation or are financially not able to deal with it. Neither can be known as a casual observer.
ReplyDeletePudge 450
DeleteOh how i wish I could be pragmatic. Life would be so simple. We never do know what all is going on in someones life from a few sentences. But when I see a need,my heart wants to reach out to help. Fifty years ago, someone reached out to me and saved my bacon and I have never forgotten it. But i have seen how pride can make well meaning help be turned down. With the amount of guns out there, guess I'd better practice my pragmatism.
Maybe ask the mom, "Would you mind if I bought your daughter those glasses?"
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, buy a pair and donate them to a place that provides glasses, like the Lions Club. Last year, at the refugee camp in Greece where I volunteer, a group of optometrists came in one day and tested everyone who wanted to be tested. They ordered glasses for everyone. On the day the glasses arrived, there was more joy and relief in that camp than you can imagine.
Linda,
DeleteThat was to be my opening statement but her anger with her daughter froze me to my seat. I do donate my glassed to the Lions Club. I think it is wonderful what you are doing in those refugee camps. I can only imagine what going from poor vision to clear vision must be like. Keep up the good work.
Well---I agree. Don't say anything. I have to tell myself when I see something like this --that I don't know them or their situation. I see very very heavy women at Walmart riding around in one of those push carts --and I notice them buying candy, chips, cookies --and all kinds of unhealthy foods. I want so badly to say something to them -but just have to walk away... I don't know them. I don't know the life they are living. I just need to mind my own business... I know it's hard --and we are supposed to care for each other. But--these days, like you said, who knows what someone might do if I get involved only trying to help....
ReplyDeleteHugs,
Betsy
Betsy,
DeleteThe days of innocent helping out have gone. I guess the best thing to do is to support an organization that does help. People can't get mad at a whole organization--can they?
Like you, I would have wanted to help but been afraid to!!
ReplyDeleteFran,
DeleteI know, it doesn't say much for the times we are living in.
This breaks my heart. I used to be an optometric assistant and I think I would have taken the risk and asked if I could work with her daughter to fit a pair of glasses on her face and pay for them since it was a skill I had and loved to help folks. My heart breaks for that little girl.
ReplyDeleteolynjyn,
DeleteWelcome to TNS. Thank you for stopping by and commenting. You would have the skills to do it properly, I would be guessing if she had allowed me. I still hear her last lament.
It was almost as interesting to read the comments here as to read the post. I'm always sticking my nose into places it doesn't belong, so I would have spoken up for the girl. But you're right: the world we live in these days calls for MYOB and stay safe. Sad but true. :-(
ReplyDeleteDjan,
DeleteI know, I am getting some great comments. The old me wouldn't have hesitated--the current me in this mixed up world we live in is what made me hesitate. Yes, sad.
I've had time to think about this, which was not a luxury you had. I'd have taken note of the size and strength of the glasses the child had, pulled an identical pair off the rack, removed the tags and pretending to have just taken them from my bag, said to the Mom, "I bought these a few weeks ago, but they are the wrong strength for me and they won't take them back. I think they are the size your little girl is asking for. I'm here to buy a different pair. You'd be doing me a favour taking them."
ReplyDeleteShe might have said no, but you haven't framed it as "charity". These situations are fraught with tension. She might say no, and in truth there may not have been time to do this, with poly hang-tags and all, but one's heart does hurt for the vulnerable child or animal in these situations.
But intentions matter, and all of us should keep that little one in our hearts and prayers. Another idea just occurred. If you remember the glasses she was trying you might go to the pharmacy, tell them the day and time the incident occurred, and ask if they can identify the family. If they are regular customers the pharmacists might. If so you might purchase the glasses and a pretty lanyard, package them up and pay to have the pharmacy mail them to the family. They need never know where they came from. No shame involved.
At the risk of nattering on for far to long I'll share one "trick" I've used successfully several times with an example. I was in Payless during a BOGO sale looking for a pair of shoes. I wear a size 3 child's shoe, so I was in the kid's aisle where I saw a young, very thin mother of three looking for back-to-school shoes for her children. The kids were excited and wanted shoes she could not afford. She kept saying, "I only have $50 to spend for all three of you, I can't buy the shoes you want. We have to buy cheap shoes." She was really distressed.
I went to the cashier's counter and asked if could buy a gift card for her to use immediately and the answer was yes, so I went to her and said quietly, "I noticed you're having a hard time finding the shoes your children want within your budget." She teared up and said she and her husband had both lost their jobs in our recent economic crash. I explained to her that someone had done something very kind for me recently and when I tried to pay them they refused, asking that the way I repay their kindness was to pay it forward, and I'd like to do that by helping her buy her children's school shoes, if she would be gracious enough to allow me to do that. At that she burst into tears and said yes, and I told her there would a gift card at the cashier's for $50 when she finished shopping.
We hugged. Her son, about nine, asked, if that meant he could get the running shoes he wanted and she nodded yes. He started jumping up and down.
I paid for my own shoes, bought the gift card, and left the store a deeply happy woman. Somewhere, someone is always "doing us a kindness" we need to pay forward, whether it's explicitly stated or not. The cashiers said they'd never seen anyone do this before, a couple of them had tears running down their cheeks and came out from behind the counter to give me, an old woman, a hug.
Deb,
DeleteOh I wish you had been shopping with me that day. What a great way to save face and get the job done. You truly have a soft heart but the quick mind necessary to pull it off. Keep being the kind, generous soul you are.
One thing my old age does to me is for me to not want any confrontations. So I would have left it alone and felt terrible about it. And now I will read the other comments to see if there are any suggestions to better handle this.
ReplyDeleteI have now read the comments. I didn't even think about guns when I commented, just that I want to be left alone and not argue with strangers or anyone.
ReplyDeleteI like the gift card suggestion above, but that was a different situation with a kind, but broke mom. I don't think there was much you could have done.
Inger,
DeleteYes I have really been impressed by some of the solutions presented here and the willingness of the reciever would determine if it would succeed. Some--me in particular--are not offended by sincere offers of help but then there are those who let pride stand in the way of any help.
Oh, my that is so sad. And I don't know what I would have done, but I know I would not stop thinking about that incident for a very long time.
ReplyDeleteOlga,
DeleteI know, that is why I had to blog about it. It haunts me.
I understand exactly how you felt. I have wanted to help somebody at times and didn't because I wasn't sure of the reaction. But maybe we should just throw caution to the wind and be our better selves and do what is right and hope for the best. That little girl needed glasses. So sad for her. I might have gently asked the mother if she would care if I bought the glasses for her. Her reaction would have been on her, not you.
ReplyDeleteSnickelfritz,
DeleteThat is so true but what message would her refusal have sent to her daughter? I kind of hope there is a grandmother in that family that will step in.
Not sure what I would have done but what I would want to know is if the child ever had a vision test. Sounds like she needs more than glasses off the rack
ReplyDeleteLinda R,
DeleteI think she must have or she wouldn't have zeroed on the rack and started trying on glasses. I know the three cheapo glasses I have around the house for specific purposed are not as good as my prescription glasses but they sure do the job. Hopefully when she goes to school, they will force the issue.
"But I can see you"
ReplyDeleteThat just broke my heart. What mother wouldn't want her child be able to see? There are many ways a pair of glasses can be kept on a face and of course at home the child simply needs to be taught to put her glasses safely by her bedside at night.
I guess that wouldn't happen in this case :(
River,
DeleteI know that soft wistful phrase is what made me start out of my chair. She had been so delighted to see her mother clearly. Perhaps her mother was not neglectful but highly stressed. She was getting prescriptions either for herself or someone she loved. Or she could have been just a bad mother. We never know from a few sentences what is truly going on. .
That's a tricky one. I don't think I would have said anything - as you say, you never know what response you're going to get these days. Hopefully, her school will pick it up and all will get sorted.
ReplyDeleteAround My Kitchen Table
That's Purrfect
Around my Kitchen Table,
DeleteThat is what keeps me thinking this may have a good outcome. I am counting on the school to force the issue.
I try to put myself in the situation and ask myself what I'd do differently … then I realize that without knowing the FULL situation it is an impossible task. This doesn't make it easier but it helps to explain why I don't often interfere.
ReplyDeleteGinny,
DeleteI know. A while back I learned we never see the whole situation in a casual glance. I was in a check out line which was moving slowly and the clerk was really cranky.
When the lady in front of me got there, she softly asked,"Are you OK?" The clerk burst out crying and said she had just been diagnosed with breast cancer."
We never know what is going on in someone else's life.
I wouldn't have spoken up either. You never know how crazy and rude people are today. And they always think they know best. Too bad for the little girl. Some children just never get a break from parents who lack parenting skills.
ReplyDeleteMary,
DeleteI heard of a case of road rage where a man rammed another's car because some of his windshield washer fluid hit his car. People are so fragile today.
Wow, that's a tough one. I guess I'd probably stay quiet and say a prayer. It sounds like a situation that I would need more information on in order to act - it is hard because people can be so defensive.
ReplyDeleteBobbi and Gracie,
DeleteYou bet. It is scary out there folks.
Had I been in that situation I would have done nothing. If the little girl truly does need glasses then she would need to be wearing glasses prescribed by someone qualified to do so. Just because the little girl said she could see her mama does not say if she is seeing her clearly. A child wearing glasses that are not right for them could possibly do more harm than good. I just hope the mother had not bought the other pair for the little girl just to play with...I have seen a few mothers in my time that would do that. They would think since they are on a rack in a store they are not real glasses. Another most interesting subject sweet Patti. Hugs
ReplyDeleteMaggie
DeleteThat is why I had planned to ask the Mom what strength the girls glasses were but I stayed mum. This was not a winnable situation.
I have the gene for giving directions. My children have attempted to quiet my controlling ways but there are times it just seems necessary. However you are correct to stay quiet these days with so many wagging around guns.
ReplyDeleteAnnie,
DeleteIt doesn't seem to take much to set people off and my intruding on a family matter could have set her off.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI’m not sure what I would have done either. Knowing me, the teacher part of me would have probably tried to approach the mother with some sort of soft sort of questions about glasses. Maybe I would share stories of how I had a child throw her glasses away just days after she first got them and we could not recover them and how I could not afford new ones but thankfully did find a way to get help for her anyway. I was a single mom at the time. I know how sad that child must have felt. Honestly, though, good sense also tells me that I should not have done anything unless I saw abuse. (subtle abuse here maybe) One hopes the teacher notices, if the child goes to school, and a referral for help is given.
ReplyDeleteSally,
DeleteGood to see you here. Hope this means you will be blogging again soon. I was interested to see what a teacher's view would be. She looked pre-school so sadly it might not get attention till 1st grade.
Why do we assume the worst about this situation or see mother as insensitive to daughter? Perhaps she’s explained the need to wait several times before. Maybe the little girl had prescription glasses and mother didn’t want to buy the drugstore ones cause they had an appt with eye dr to get new ones. Glasses were just glasses to the little girl, so she thinks why not get these at drugstore cause she can see her mother with them? Isn’t that good enough? I can think of several other scenarios that would explain the mother not being neglectful, or lacking ability to pay — maybe the child just impatient waiting for appt to get new glasses, as one example.
ReplyDeleteI like the paying it forward explanation to the mother if inclined to inject into a strangers life. Think it’s wise to use care in such situations and not just because of being fearful of a violent reaction.
Bought the glasses.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI would have smiled at the girl and said, cheerily, "That's great! I can see your Mommy. too."
ReplyDeleteDear Patti, if, like Jean, R. I'd thought of saying that I'd also buy a lanyard, I'd have definitely offered to buy the glasses. In fact, I would have done that no matter what. I don't stop to think about guns and I know that's a big consideration now. I think I would have said something like, "Your daughter so wants to see your lovely face. May I buy her a pair of glasses so that she can enjoy your smile?" Something like that, and maybe that would not have been seen as my "sticking my nose into somebody else's business." It's so hard to be pragmatic and practical when we see someone in need. I so understand your rethinking your initial generous response. Peace.
ReplyDeleteOh dear, this is such a hard one. You have such a heart of gold and so do your commenters. That would have really made me so sad, but I'm afraid I would have stayed out of it just because I don't know how the parent would have taken it. She could have been insulted and maybe shamed in front of her daughter. Gosh... And yet... and yet... So hard.
ReplyDelete